March 2 2010

I want to write. I want to finish my next children's book, I want to get TVFC into stores and I want to write my autobiography. I want to write Albert the Adder. I have so many ideas that sometimes it can be hard to focus. I wish I had the time to write what I want. Maybe I'm just not organized the right way - maybe I'm just wasting a lot of time that could be used to write, or paint.

Oh, I'd love to paint. I have so many paintings and pieces of paintings in my mind's eye that have no way to escape. It's so relaxing to sit down with a canvas and a brush and make it come to life. But, again, the issue is time. I seem to never have any.

I feel like I've been in school all my life. In fact, I've been in school since daycare. Basically, I have been in school just short of twenty-two years. Can you blame me if I'm tired?

On the other hand, I feel like now I'm finally getting the hang ofit. Now, in my third year of university, I feel like I finally understand how to manage my scholarly career. Good, I have three years to go still. I will be twenty-six when I graduate with my education degree. Two years older than I had originally planned. Oh well, time moves on.

School time, homework, housework, wedding planning, trip preparation, moving preparation, writing career and painting - all things I juggle on a daily basis. I feel a little overwhelmed all the time. I forgot to mention visiting home and Parrsboro - and cats; oh the cats, they also take up time. I forget words sometimes.

Chair, door, oven, coat - all gone and all I can think of is what they look like. Maybe I'm just a little too stressed, maybe there's too much pressure on me. But, aren't we taught that hardwork is more important than down time?

We are supposed to spend the vast amount of our time working. Spending time on ourselves, doing things that we enjoy, if you were raised as a 'good little christian,' was seen as selfish and inferior. Those who give themselves completely over to work are seen as superior. At least, that's the impression I got as a child.

But I'm tired. I could take a vacation but I don't think that would help. Putting school and everything on hold would only leave time for more work. That's what I do. When I'm supposedto be relaxing, I work. I want to play. I want to be able to sleep all day, have long baths, play video games all day, sit in the park and read or go to the beach to watch the waves. All those things sound amazing but I know, given the opportunity, I wouldn't do them. I would organize the house, clean places I wouldn't normally clean or re-vamp the budget for the fiftieth time. I don't know how to relax.

I cannot make my brain agree with my learned values. Logically, I understand that to maintain sanity, one must take time out for oneself. One must be able to relax. But, my values dictate that to be a good person, one must not put oneself first ever. I will continue to search for a way to bridge that gap.

Month three - 149.2 lbs