Friday, March 19, 2010

March 3 - 15 2010

March 3 2010:

I am feeling very overwhelmed today. I have five essays and a project that I am working on. At least I've done all the reading for this week. I just feel like there's so much to do in not enough time.

Yesterday, we looked at and applied for an apartment; finally. I'm crossing my fingers that we get it because I can't stand living where we live right now. It makes me sick because it's moldy. We also got out passport photos done last night. Another big thing to tick off my list. But all this running around meant that I didn't get a lot of homework done.

Today I have a meeting with my computer project group members. I have no idea what we're going to talk about, probably just going to make sure that everyone is happy with how we broke the workload down.

I can't wait to see Alice in Wonderland! We got our tickets yesterday for 3D in the IMAX on friday. It gives me something to look forward to at the end of the week. I think we should always plan something fun for the weekend; it makes it easier to get through the week.

This afternoon we're supposed to be taking my prescription in to be filled, getting our passports signed by our guarantor and picking somethings up that we need. I have no idea how we're going to fit all that in and still get homework done.

I really want to get a first draft for my Sociology essay done. The final copy is due in less than two weeks. I feel so behind.

148 lbs

March 8 2010:

Another week, another mountain of school work. I should have worked harder last week because than I would have less work this week. I really need to get on the ball; my marks really matter this year.

I hate the way that I eat. French fries, fried fish,burgeers and pop make up my diet lately. I want to lose weight but I'm not doing the work. I want to want to. When things get so busy I feel over crowded and I end up cutting things out that, in my eyes, seem expendable like exercise and diet.

Maybe if I take charge now, when things seem to be in a lull, and get it under control it won't be so hard to keep it going when things get crazy again. I am trying; I put together Adam's lunches for the week andboiled some eggs to grab for quick breakfasts but I haven't planned my meals for suppers or planned my lunches for the weeks.

Lately I've been complaining a lot about how overwhelmed I feel and one reading this log of thoughts and feelings might begin thinking that I am unhappy in my life. This, however, is not the case. I have never felt more fulfilled and content with my life. I have a wonderful fiance who makes me feel understood and accepted for who I am.

149.2 lbs

March 11 2010:

I feel like I'm running in place. That's what it's like to be a student. You work and you work and can never get ahead because there are always more assignments to complete. And then it's all over, and you look back and realize how far you have traveled. It always feels so unmanageable, but somehow it always gets managed.

I guess I'm eating a little better lately. My problem is portion control I think. I was watching Dr. Oz yesterday and found that a serving of pasta is supposed, only, to be the size of a light bulb. That doesn't seem like much at all. I feel like when I eat pasta I need a full bowl. Apparently not. I bought a magazine last night that has a whole lot of recipes that are 400 calories or less. I am excited to try and integrate this into my diet. I have been keeping my step count up; almost ten thousand everyday.

149.2 lbs

March 15 2010:

Today is moving day. It's 7:30am and I'm at school. That's so early - there's virtually no one else here right now. I just want to start moving things right now but unfortunately I have to wait until I hand in a bunch of assignments. I have a headache.

149.6 lbs

Thursday, March 11, 2010

March 2 2010

I want to write. I want to finish my next children's book, I want to get TVFC into stores and I want to write my autobiography. I want to write Albert the Adder. I have so many ideas that sometimes it can be hard to focus. I wish I had the time to write what I want. Maybe I'm just not organized the right way - maybe I'm just wasting a lot of time that could be used to write, or paint.

Oh, I'd love to paint. I have so many paintings and pieces of paintings in my mind's eye that have no way to escape. It's so relaxing to sit down with a canvas and a brush and make it come to life. But, again, the issue is time. I seem to never have any.

I feel like I've been in school all my life. In fact, I've been in school since daycare. Basically, I have been in school just short of twenty-two years. Can you blame me if I'm tired?

On the other hand, I feel like now I'm finally getting the hang ofit. Now, in my third year of university, I feel like I finally understand how to manage my scholarly career. Good, I have three years to go still. I will be twenty-six when I graduate with my education degree. Two years older than I had originally planned. Oh well, time moves on.

School time, homework, housework, wedding planning, trip preparation, moving preparation, writing career and painting - all things I juggle on a daily basis. I feel a little overwhelmed all the time. I forgot to mention visiting home and Parrsboro - and cats; oh the cats, they also take up time. I forget words sometimes.

Chair, door, oven, coat - all gone and all I can think of is what they look like. Maybe I'm just a little too stressed, maybe there's too much pressure on me. But, aren't we taught that hardwork is more important than down time?

We are supposed to spend the vast amount of our time working. Spending time on ourselves, doing things that we enjoy, if you were raised as a 'good little christian,' was seen as selfish and inferior. Those who give themselves completely over to work are seen as superior. At least, that's the impression I got as a child.

But I'm tired. I could take a vacation but I don't think that would help. Putting school and everything on hold would only leave time for more work. That's what I do. When I'm supposedto be relaxing, I work. I want to play. I want to be able to sleep all day, have long baths, play video games all day, sit in the park and read or go to the beach to watch the waves. All those things sound amazing but I know, given the opportunity, I wouldn't do them. I would organize the house, clean places I wouldn't normally clean or re-vamp the budget for the fiftieth time. I don't know how to relax.

I cannot make my brain agree with my learned values. Logically, I understand that to maintain sanity, one must take time out for oneself. One must be able to relax. But, my values dictate that to be a good person, one must not put oneself first ever. I will continue to search for a way to bridge that gap.

Month three - 149.2 lbs

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Month Two – Day 1 – 4

I wish I was a coffee drinker. If I were I could keep up with this non-stop work load and not feel drained all the time. Getting up at 7am and going to bed at 2am is not working for me. In an odd way though, I like to always be busy, it doesn’t give me any time to hate myself. It does, however, make eating choices a problem.

Having time for breakfast in the morning is a struggle. I usually end up waiting until lunch time to eat, and then eating a late snack. Eating so close to bedtime isn’t a good thing. It usually means I choose poor food choices. My goal for the next few days is to make time to eat a healthy breakfast that will get me through the day.

Also, I’ve been sick for about five months. I have a Dr.’s appointment today and I hope I’ll get some answers. My theory is that I have a sinus infection. Really, I just want to get rid of this silly cough, be able to breathe clearly and regain full capacity of my taste buds. I’ll let you know what the outcome is.


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Month One - Day 27 to 31

I began this month weighing in at 146.4 lbs, feeling like a failure and I'm ending the month at 148 lbs, feeling like I won the world. I definitely didn't accomplish any of the phsyical goals I set for myself but I made significant process in my mental journey. I feel better about the future and I've identified why some things seemed like insurmountable obstacles.

I am extremely proud of the grand strides I've made in the way of healthy eating. Instead of going out to eat at a fast food restaurant every day I am making lunches at home to eat at school. I am trying to find new ways to satisfy the need that food is currently filling to stop impulsively eating when things begin overwhelming me. I am also proud of the fact that, although I have mountains of school work, I do not feel like I can't stay on top of it.

At this point in the journey I need to re-evaluate my goals. I still want to lose 5 lbs per month until April but I want the focus to be a reduction in fat around my mid-section instead of simply weighing less. This means I'll have to step up my exercise regime. I can do it and I'm looking forward to continuing on this journey.


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Month One - Day 22 to 26

The last four days have seemed like an eternity. Tying up loose ends, sending postponement announcements to everyone we’ve booked with and trying to handle the floods of emotion has exhausted me. I know what you’re thinking, and no, I did not cheat. I was tempted to but I resisted. Adam and I are doing better than I thought we would. A lot of talk has risen from this sad event which has been helpful in moving forward. We sat down together and worked out an exercise plan which we will begin implementing this week. We tried to make it a part of our time together so it becomes enjoyable instead of simply another chore in the day. We did a lot of home cooking, a lot of walking and a lot of compromising and I am feeling good about life again.

Some of you are questioning my motives for losing weight. I just want to clarify that I want to lose weight to be healthier and feel better about myself. Fitting into a bikini is just the motivation I’m using to make me do it. I don’t always make the best food choices and I never want to exercise, but I know myself and I know what I can accomplish.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Month One - Day 18 to 21

Here I am with one less goal to work toward. No, I haven’t lost 5 lbs already; but my fiancée and I have postponed our wedding. Therefore, now I don’t have to fit into my wedding dress. How does this make me feel? Devastated. However, the world goes on and I have to be grateful for what I do have to look forward to. Like our upcoming cruise and our PEI vacation (in lieu of a honeymoon) in the summer.

Does it change the way I feel about me fiancée? No, of course not. I’m upset, yes, but not with him. I’m upset with the situation; it’s stressful for both of us. Eventually, I will become used to the idea and it will no longer hurt me to think about it. Life carries on.

I still want to continue with my weight loss journey; this has not deterred my determination. Now, more than ever, I need the support of all of you. Thank you so much for reading.


Monday, January 18, 2010

Month One - Day 14 to 17

This week hasn’t been the greatest. I’ve spent the last two weeks searching for the elusive balance that exists between school or work life and social life. I think I’m finally on the right path after a disastrous week. I am becoming less stressed about the giant pile of work that is constantly looming in the near future.

Stress is a real problem in my life as it depresses me. In turn, this removes any motivation I might have had to achieve. I always struggle against a figurative downward pressure and my negative internal dialogue in order to succeed at anything. This is definitely evident in my weigh in this week; I gained back what I lost last week plus 0.2 of a pound.

I am happy to report though, that I have abstained from sugary soda drinks this week even in the face of a party. This makes me very proud of myself. In addition to this small but important victory I made vegetable sticks instead of buying potato chips for a snack. It’s these little things that keep me going and I will persevere and will move forward to my goal. I appreciate all your support and would love to hear your struggles and or victories on your journey.